'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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