I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
