There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
