Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
