i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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