I need to stop coming to work sober
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
wow bdsm is so cute
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