I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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