is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
