well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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