Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
