Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
