I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
