My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
