$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize