Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
