Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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