Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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