I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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