Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
