Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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