I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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