and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
