Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.