Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
