Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
