im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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