If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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