I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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