I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
