I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was like eating out sand paper
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize