What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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