So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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