Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
