Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
