I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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