Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.