halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic