So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
