Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
