I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
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