I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
