He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
