he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
