I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
