he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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