then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
