You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
