Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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