so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
