I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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