I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
