Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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