I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
