They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
