I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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