she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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