You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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