You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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